A rebellious act: the “Good Enough” mother

As moms, we’re always trying to get everything right.

We are compelled to create the perfect home for our children: find the right toys & books, effortlessly navigate schedules & sleep patterns, provide the most nutritious meals and ensure that, whilst we are doing that, we are not letting the ball drop on how we discipline our children, or how we juggle the million other things on our to-do lists. 

But when we (inevitably) fail at being right all the time, we start to feel all sorts of yuck. We endure waves of anxiety, fear, guilt, blame, and shame.

The fact is – The feeling of not-good-enoughness is an epidemic for modern-day mothers and it is fueled by the ease of access to (an overload and conflicting) information and social comparison (social media).  

And when we feel like we’re not doing enough or that we don’t know enough, we are in actuality believing that we aren’t good enough. 

But what really is the measuring stick for what it means to be good at parenting? Parenting standards change all the time, with no single, actionable definition of what “good parent” even means.

As moms, we can feel guilty or find fault in ourselves for just about anything. So, when we say we want to be good, what we’re actually aiming for is perfection.

Perfectionism Leads to Burnout

Intellectually, we know perfection is unattainable and yet it is something many of us continue to strive for, as we reach to meet the bar and standards we have set for ourselves. 

Some of the common experiences of burnout include: 

• overwhelming exhaustion, difficulty concentrating,
• emotional distancing or an inability to control your emotions 
• sense of ineffectiveness and a loss of pleasure in parenting

There is a misconception that the solution to burnout and overwhelm in mothering is to engage in more self-care. Whilst bubble baths, talking to friends and family and fitting in some yoga are helpful – they are not enough. 

It’s time to embrace The Good Enough Mother.

The Good Enough Mother, coined by pediatrician and psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott, is an approach to parenting that involves being sensitive, responsive, and adaptive to our children’s needs and developmental abilities. It stands in direct contrast to the perfect parent, recognizing that you can’t be everything all the time and that’s more than OK.

In fact, a according to Winnicott, a good enough mother is a real mother who only needs to get it right 30% of the time

Winnicott posits that if we “fail” our kids in manageable, developmentally appropriate ways, we can help them become healthier, more adaptive adults.

Children actually benefit from imperfect parenting

The process of becoming a good enough mother to our children happens over time. When our babies are infants, it is normal for us to try to respond to their every need almost immediately. We will feed, snuggle, change diapers and offer ways to soothe them when they are upset. This is important because it teaches our children that they are safe and cared for. 

Over time however, this level of attentiveness is unsustainable and we will find ourselves “failing” our children. And this is what Winnicott believes is the way to being a good mother. Children need their mother (or primary caretaker) to fail them in tolerable ways on a regular basis so they can learn to live in an imperfect world.

Every time we don’t hear them calling us right away, every time we don’t give them our undivided attention, every time we feed them a meal they don’t want to eat or ask them to tidy up – even when they don’t want to do it – we are getting them ready to function in a society that will frustrate, disappoint and challenge them regularly. 

Our children need to learn – through experience – that life can be hard, that they will feel let down and disappointed, that they won’t always get their way, and despite all of that (or perhaps because of it) they will still be ok.

If our children never have these experiences, they will have no ability to manage the challenges that will inevitably arise. They won’t learn that it’s ok to feel bored or annoyed or sad or disappointed or that life can be painful and frustrating, but they’ll get through it.

In short, building our children’s resilience is the gift of a good enough mother.

When we re-frame good enough, realizing that’s all we can give—and all our children require of us—we can take back the joy and confidence in motherhood.

You’re good enough. And that’s perfectly OK.