Becoming a mother is one of the most empowering transformations in a woman’s life, yet it can also come with feeling lost and overwhelmed. The journey one embarks on once becoming a mother offers many life lessons — including a deeper acknowledgement of oneself.
There is so much focus and emphasis on welcoming your new little baby into the world that we often forget that there is a whole other life that has been born – that of a mother, whose old life as a non-mothering woman has just ended.
Just as ‘adolescence’ refers to the transition phase we all go through when we leave childhood and begin to enter adulthood, so the term matrescence refers to a transition space where a woman undergoes her transformation into a mother.
Coined by American anthropologist Dana Raphael, “…matrescence [is] the time of mother-becoming…”
It is an intense transitional space during which a woman becomes a mother and looks different to each and every woman.
Dr. Alexandra Sacks, who recorded a hugely popular TED Talk on matrescence, identified the mothers in her practice as experiencing emotional turmoil in the following areas:
Although not often spoken about, there is a distinct difference between mothering and motherhood. This distinction is something I feel is vital in understanding some of the challenges we face during our matrescence.
‘Mothering‘ is the term for describing the acts, duties and deeds you undertake and perform as a mother: nursing your baby, changing their nappies, bathing and dressing them, singing them lullabies etc.
‘Motherhood‘ is the cultural construction that surrounds us as mothers: the social institution of what it means to be a mother that actually doesn’t have anything to do with us as individuals or the way in which we perform our mothering. Motherhood is the more subtle aspects of living as a mother: the stereotypes that we often find ourselves embodying or trying to avoid (the ‘frazzled mum’ trope, the mother-as-martyr stereotype or the ‘yummy mummy’), the distribution of domestic duties, the impact of earning potential and career progression, the never ending mental load…
Part of what makes matrescence so challenging is that we are not only thrown into the very visceral world of mothering, sore nipples, sleep deprivation, 2am bottle sterilizing, Witching Hour, teething… We also find ourselves being thrust into the stifling institution of motherhood.
For many of us, we love or at least are primarily driven to do the work of a mother. It is the weight of the social construct of motherhood that feels overwhelming. This is where guilt and shame often rear their heads. We believe we’re not good, natural or instinctive mothers or that we’re doing it wrong, when really the problem is not to do with our mothering. The problem is, we are butting up against the institution of motherhood.
So how do we embrace our journey through matrescence when we are confronted with these challenges?
I’d love to hear some of your thoughts on this & will share an updated blog post on this very topic, soon.
© Kendra Blake. All Rights Reserved.
© Kendra Blake. All Rights Reserved.